It's been about a week, since I had the conversation with my partner about hormones.
His hesitation has always been an uncertainty about whether I would be doing it “for me” or “for other people”—-in other words, is it something I need to be myself, or something I just need to help pass. For a long time, I wasn't sure what the answer to that was either. But in the conflict with my parents, it came up that it's not being treated female or people thinking that I'm female—-it's a reminder that I'm not what I am inside.
I think if one day I was male enough for me, I wouldn't mind the “she/hers”. One day I might even welcome them.
I started off thinking that I didn't need medical transition. But I think it's always been that I could survive without it. And maybe that's still true. But I think I know now that I would be happier with it.
But my partner is still the most important thing in the world to me. Having him on my side gives me strength, but doesn't make any of this any less difficult.