So, technically, I have a hormones date. This is very unexpected.
Been talking to a gender therapist (of course) and basically it's all boiled down to “Do I want to take hormones or not”. All other matters have boiled away or been settled into their place. As a next step she suggested speaking to an endocrinologist, so I got a referral. In the process of setting up an appointment, they also suggested I set up the follow-up where I'd actually get hormones, so I did. And now I have a hormones date. It's not til March, but it's there.
It's difficult to say how I feel about it. For a lot of trans folk, this is a matter of celebration, but often because it's often such a laborious process to be approved. Mine is a long ways off, but I didn't have any resistance—in fact, I didn't even have to ask, and wasn't even planning to.
But the effort and the payoff aside, it still seems a matter of celebration. After all, it's a big step towards becoming who you are on the inside on the outside too. In your brain and your blood and everything else.
I still have all my doubts about whether hormones are right for me, all my uncertainty over what I'll gain and what I'll lose, about whether I'd be happier staying as I am or if I changed. But, I think, overall, I'm looking forward to it. The uncertainty hasn't gone away but suddenly the anticipation has become concrete. I feel like I can hold both of them in my head now, feel them both at the same time. I'm still conflicted, but that's okay.
Turns out you don't have to have all the answers to feel that a choice is right for you. You're allowed to move forward even if you still have doubts. Don't have to be only excited or scared. Don't have to pick one or the other. You're allowed to be both.
;)