Butt hair. Butt hair is a cruel joke upon humankind, one that I have thus far avoided, but fear I ultimately will not.
But in seriousness, the only other hesitation I have is my voice. Singing has gotten me through a lot of rough times. It's often been my only form of emotional expression. The way I sound is also a part of who I am. I know I'll probably lose the high notes, but if I lost my full lower range, I dunno.
I know testosterone will lower my voice, but I'm worried it'll make it brittle or reedy. I'm not scared of having to learn to sing again, I just don't know for sure if I will be able to.
It's been about a week, since I had the conversation with my partner about hormones.
His hesitation has always been an uncertainty about whether I would be doing it “for me” or “for other people”—-in other words, is it something I need to be myself, or something I just need to help pass. For a long time, I wasn't sure what the answer to that was either. But in the conflict with my parents, it came up that it's not being treated female or people thinking that I'm female—-it's a reminder that I'm not what I am inside.
I think if one day I was male enough for me, I wouldn't mind the “she/hers”. One day I might even welcome them.
I started off thinking that I didn't need medical transition. But I think it's always been that I could survive without it. And maybe that's still true. But I think I know now that I would be happier with it.
But my partner is still the most important thing in the world to me. Having him on my side gives me strength, but doesn't make any of this any less difficult.
It occurs to me that I never mentioned which flavor of nonbinary fits me best.
I can't say with 100% certainty, but it's alternatively agender and/or bigender. There are internal aspects of myself that are both male and female (though individually those aspects are both pretty gender non conforming as well. It's turtles all the way down) but it all bubbles up to a pretty genderless feeling.
I'm fairly certain the demiboy/demigirl labels don't fit. My gender is pretty constant, even if it's uncertain, so genderfluid also doesn't apply.
Had a dream last night where someone called me he/him. It's been so long since I've passed. I still remember the elation.
Been a while since I passed, despite having a better haircut now. Wonder if it somehow had the opposite effect.
The “she/hers” individually don't really shake me. Instead cumulatively they wear me down like water over a stone. Haven't had the energy to correct people lately either.
Male privilege is consistently having big enough pockets to have canonical places for your cell phone, wallet and keys
I had a girlfriend when I was in highschool. But it didn't occur to me that I was therefore not straight until I told my friend and she asked me if that meant I was lesbian or bi.
Probably related, I met her online, where my persona was gender neutral with a preference for male pronouns (since they/them as a pseudocanonical nonbinary pronoun didn't exist then). My gf also went back and forth between genders as well.
I never really did the gender calculations in my head either. It's just one of those things I'm pretty blind to.
When I told my parents about her, I was also more terrified about them knowing I had a romantic relationship than that I wasn't straight. (Though of course they dismissed it as a phase when I met my current male partner)
My personal perspective as an adult nonbinary individual raised with a gender I would rather not have is Don't Do It.
Being nonbinary is the same as male or female. When you raise your child as neither male or female you are still making a choice for them. Making a choice for them is inevitable, and unfortunately there's no way to be sure you're making the right choice. All you can do is make the choice that has the best chance of being right. And statistically speaking, their gender is most likely to align with their sex.
The best thing you can do is to raise them free of gender expectations, encourage them to socialize with people of all genders, give them good role models, and when they come to you about their real gender identity, believe them.
I will say, as a male-aligned non binary person born female, some things I would've appreciated was a more gender neutral or male name. If you want to be truly inclusive of other gender expressions, consider a middle name that is unisex or the opposite gender so if necessary they have a more comfortable part of their identity ready for them.
Talked to parent number two.
Again I don't know what I was expecting. They were their normal self. We had our normal problems. It wasn't a happy experience.
But I have a better picture of why both of them do the things they do: they're overprotective, anxious people. And they don't take the time to think about what I feel like I need protection from (which is nothing, btw. I'm an adult, I can defend my own interests. I'm actually really good at it) so they protect me from what they think I need protection from. Which is the thing they need protection from. Which is what I want.
I'm just so tired. I feel like I'm running a marathon. I don't know if it will ever end.